Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
