I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
