ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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