Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
