You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
