His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
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