Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm too high and old for this...
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
