he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
