I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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