I just made out with a guy for $7.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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