I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
