We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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