just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
