i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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