How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
