hotel room ftw
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Randomize
