then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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