you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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