Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
