I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
