As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
