worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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