3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
