my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Vodka?
Forever.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
