I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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