yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
