Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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