he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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