last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
