hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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