Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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