I'm sorry my penis didn't work
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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