Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
