My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
