her vagine was all disorganized.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
