If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
