apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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