you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Randomize
