you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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