the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
