the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Dick very happy bro
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
