Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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