why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
