i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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