why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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