Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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