She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
