Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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