shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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