would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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