the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
