my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
