Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
